This is not my usual post on this blog. But, I gotta let this all out before I destroy my own wedding dress, seriously. I’m overwhelmed, and not in a good way. Well, actually I can’t destroy it. I rent it so they won’t give my deposit back if I do so. Oh, money… why are you so wasted.
And yes friends, we are having a reception by the end of March. Although both of us strongly refused to have one, for one reason and another, we still can’t completely avoid it. It’s a long story.
So, some people might already know that we already got married last Valentine’s day. But the thing is, I still live in my parent’s house (that’s weird, isn’t it?) and there’ll still be a Sang Pia day (it’s a Chinese proposal tradition) one week before the reception (this one is even weirder. Like really stupid). And of course, there will be a reception. I don’t think our parents even consider that thing we did on Valentine’s day as a marriage. I think they strongly believe that it’s just a formal marriage contract signing or whatever. I don’t know.
I have a mixed feeling about this. In a way, I feel blessed and loved for marrying my best friends I’ve been dating for, I don’t know, 11 years, 12 years? But having to do all these tradition things, and act like “normal” people…. I’m starting to get really tired. Even the thought of it makes me burst.
Now I’m beginning to worry about myself because I started to hate my own wedding even before it starts. Growing up, I’m not the kind of girl who enjoyed wearing a long dress and a tiara. Never in my life, I’ve been dreaming about having at least 800 pairs of eyes on me when I walk in the middle of the ballroom. It is just not my style. And it’s scary how people could easily drove me to do certain things I hate, and I have no power to say just a simple no. If this is the start, how am I gonna end?
You know, Fred and I once had everything planned. We thought about a simple dinner with all of our closest family (only the closest, not my uncle’s cousin’s son’s wife) and friends. We thought about having the best meal we can afford in town and be surrounded by our best people. I would make my own cake, I would wear a simple dress, Fred would wear his suit, and it would be a simple, sweet, and warm night.
Until one day it gets really ugly. All of our simple plans seem to vanish and we found ourselves on a stage where it’s either a fight or a marriage. And I have to wave my white flag for so many times.
I’m aware that they wanted to give us a better wedding than they once had. And how they wanted to make a perfect day for us. But it just doesn’t work that way, you know. The sad thing is that they are not even aware that what they’ve been doing is just adding cracks to the once perfect plan.
I mean, who wants a glamorous night? They want. Who wants a $650 white RENTED gown when I’m just as happy and as married when wearing a $50 gown from my favorite online shop? Who wants a $400 makeup service when all of my makeup and skincare products combined doesn’t even worth that much?
See, it’s not my will.
It’s not that I’m completely ungrateful. I just feel so overwhelmed and confused and it just breaks my heart to see where all the money goes – they are going nowhere, exactly. I mean, they are wasted. Like really wasted. Not my money, obviously, but still… it really breaks my heart. Probably that’s why I have no power or control over myself. Is that because I don’t own the money? It’s a scary world we live in.
One day I started to realize and let go of my ego and see the sad truth. That this wedding is not about me. I don’t understand why people can’t see this. But hey, we are the bride and the groom. Do you remember? And you are saying that I have no control over myself?
And oh, if you’ve read our article about what we think about marriage, you might understand us better.
I don’t know why I wrote this. Maybe it’s just that we are closer to the date that I feel a bit nervous and it made me look back how far we’ve come. Now I realize that it would be just another day. It won’t effect my life. And I will still have the after party life I’ve been dreaming of – without no one interferes.
Now I’m just left with a little regret that I didn’t give a firm no. I was weak. And I’m relieved to tell you this.
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